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Friday, August 27, 2010

Just Some Thoughts

I started crying more freely now.

I cry because I miss her so much.

I cry because this is the time I really need her beside me.

I cry because, if she was alive and knew what was happening right now, she would get a stroke and die (adri 'law' tifta7 abwab ilshaya6een).

I cry because life has been so short with her. Even shorter with father.

I cry because she will never see her other girl marrying (inshallah) or see her grandchildren (inshallah).

I cry because she has died disapproving something I did.

I cry because I want to kiss her head, hug her, sleep in her arms.

I cry because I have remade the house for her, just to make her smile, and she never got to see what I did.

I cry because yes, she was right about everything, and its too late now.

I cry because I see the damn doctor in a TV ad everyday, as if he was rubbing his success in my face.

I cry because even though she had an open throat with a tube inserted, I thought one day that openin would be closed.

I cry because I had hope and it was shattered to a million shards.

I cry because when people come to my home, it was she who played host and not me.

I cry because I can't give away MOST of her stuff because they had her smell on them.

I cry because beggars are using her death as their ticket to more money they may or may not deserve.

I cry because I know some people still don't know she has died, her foriegn friends. And I don't want to answer the phone and give them the bad news.

I cry because I want to be left alone most of the time.

I cry because I wish it was me who died and not her.

I cry because she will never come into my bedroom in that way of hers telling me about a new suitor.

I cry because she will never come into my room in a different way to propose that we go travel.

I cry because she will never travel with me.

I cry because I will never see the phrase mom on my room or cell's caller id ever again (although I still haven't erased the phrase from both devices and will never have the heart to do so).

I cry because I will never expect her to call at least 6 times a day when I'm in the country, and at least twice when I'm out of the country.

I cry because in the last days of her normal life, she was the only one who felt I was really sad. She knew, she felt.

I cry cry cry. What's the use, she's gone, tears won't bring her back.

But...

I'm content with life. 7imdila.

I'm happy with my latest decision even if it will be the end of me.

It's not an act as a way of redemption. It is one because I was very disappointed.

I just wish for one thing right now, that God brings me solitude, because I'm too tired now. And too tired to care.

I don't care about people anymore. About what they think.

I don't care if people talk about me anymore. They are worse. Even worse for talking. And most importantly, they probably found me "worth talking about" and thats a good thing.

I don't care if I go out anymore.

I don't care if I don't shop like I used to or familiarize myself with the latest trends in the country (allah y3afi Tatler and Harper's Bazaar)

I care that I'm back to work, have my friends with and around me, those who try to make me forget my woes, even when they were not around at the time for being out the country they have done more than enough now.

I care that I'm changing my lifestyle. Having a personal trainer come to me, has changed me so much. I care that I want to be healthy and fit now and not lose the few kilos I have gained when I was so worried about losing a mother and when after she died and I had nothing to do except keep myself locked up in my room and not answer any call for a month.

I care for my sister now. For her to continue her studies or go work. I care what people would think or say about her. I care about who she would marry and I hope its someone good, someone that will make mom very proud even in her grave.

I move on smiling and laughing with those closest to me or distant from me (like my tweeps), and I still feel a pang in my heart, like a dagger thrust so deep making my eyes moist.

13 comments:

  1. and I cried reading this post,,

    Allah yemsa7 3ala gulbich o ehawwin 3alaich ya rab.

    I will pray for you tonight ..

    ((Hugs))

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  2. I would give you a hug right now :(

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  3. I cry everytime I read your posts
    I cry whenever u mention ur loose
    I cry feeling what u are going through

    But I cry at the end with a smile, proud of the person u were and the person u became.
    Better days awaits you with a future widely opening his arms just waiting you.
    Allah yshr7 gllbch w yms7 3laih w ynwlch ele ebalch w yfr7ch eb ur sis ele she's lucky to have you. Allah la y7rmkom mn b3th w y5lech 3zzwa laha ;*
    Love u sis ;*
    @Foofzi :)

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  4. 3awarty glbi 7beebty :*

    sweety it's a good signe that u're crying more freely now!

    allah y9abrkm nshallah we'3med ro7ha eljanna ya rb!

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  5. all of life's hardships make u grow as a person...
    ur experiences leave u with lessons..
    u seemed to have learnt a lot..
    and inshallah ur mother will be in heaven and forever in ur heart
    ;*

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  6. Salaamu aleikum,

    I'm new to this blog - found myself here by mistake, actually, but proceeded reading this newest post of yours. I do not know anything about you, and you know nothing about me, but if you were here, I'd hug you and cry with you till our eyes turned red and puffy.

    Which is what I look like at the moment. And I haven't even read the rest of this entry.

    Allah yer7am waldayk, sister, and may He unite you and your beloved ones in Jannah one day! May Allah give you the sabr and strength to survive life's hardships. Aameen.

    Wal salaam,
    Heba

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  7. allah yhawen 3alaich enshala , oo alah ysabrech webared 3ala galbech enshala ;**

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  8. 7abebtii ;** allah yr7amhom ajma3en w yda5ilhom il jannah ya rab

    awal shy, Intay 3arfa ana low shkither magol inh i Feel u, I still cant ! u have alot on ur plate than mine, bs maybe I can feel a little of wht ur doing through giving the fact that am going through the same !

    Dnt give up her things, u have no idea what do i keep mn my daddy's stuff !! even the last bandages that was attached to his hands on the last day in the hospital ! u knw the ones that prevents him from moving his hands n taking the oxygen mask away ! i kept those ! m3a inh i hate it them whn they had to put it bs now it has his smell !

    I can never forget what i have saw the last day of him ! I know losing a parent is never easy but one thing I learn of it is, Life is livable after that lost !

    3 years back or less, whn i first knw abt his sickness, i imagined this day n i was asking myeslf how am i gonna manage to go thought it ! today i see myself still alive ! il 7imd lilah, believe me if there was one thing that helped me here that was u ! Yes u, the week before my dad passed away n after i called my sis telling her that the Dr talked to me informing that we have months left, She told me to go see ur blog, ur post ! Galatli inh we r not alone in this world, fi wayd ppl in our shoe or even more ! So after I saw ur posts, i had hope in life n i knew that after a month whn my dad will leave i will b able to live ! not knowing that he was gonna leave me only 3 days after that !

    mabi a6awil 3alech w ma abi a3awer galbich adre ili fech mkafech bs abech t3rfen sha'3la, really u had a thing on me, u gave me hope n draw a smile on my face rather than a tear ! So thank you for that n Believe me Crying will help ! allah yimsa7 3la globna ya rab w y9abirna 3la fargahom ,,,

    w rabbi y5alelich ur sister w t9erlich sanad w 3oon ;) I will never forget ur parents from my prays every time i pray for daddy ;)

    if u ever needed anything, I will be glad to help, support or even listen ;) btw total strangers r the best listeners ;)

    Tc

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  9. glitter thanks 7abeebty..ameen

    anonymous i seriously need one;(

    foofzi ameen ya rab..im glad u think that i have become something better inshallah:)

    nemo :*

    swera i remembered ur words when i cried, irta7t wallah coz i finally let it all out:(

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  10. wet knickers i did learn a lot.. A LOT! it was too late for some, bs hopefully not too late for others..ameen ya rab..thanku 7abebty

    Heba ur words did really mean a lot..even if i didnt know u or u didnt know me its more meaningful that way..im sorry that u had to see this side of me when reading my blog for the first time..Ameeen ya rab..i thank u for ur prayers and sweet words..

    Lizzi ameen 7abeebty mashkoora 3la du3a2ich:*

    atoona u know im so proud of u for gaining strength..weve been thru the same taqreeban in the same time, yumkin kheera i wrote what i went thru for people to see theyre not alone in this world and we all go through death and sadness, nothings perfect..bs u know what made me happy, is that i helped even if it wasnt direct or it wasnt much, and giving u hope in life is the best gift..allah yir7amhum winshallah yijma3na rabbi feehum fe janat ilna3eem:*

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  11. :’(
    7bibti you’re figuring yourself out and determining what you want and that what matters at this point. Sweetie walla men galb I love you.. your mom did a great job you’re one amazing girl. Trust me it’s easy to sympathize but it’s not easy to actually “feel” some body’s else’s sadness. You force people to “feel” you and cry with you because of your transparent soul. I don’t have time to blog at all but I need to come and check on you because of this beauty I sense when I read your words, fashion or thoughts, sad or happy, you’re just beautiful :*:*:*:*

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  12. faith i didnt want u to feel sad from this..writing about it as my means of taking it all out, something i cant do with my outside friends..ur the beautiful one i swear..and i love u too..thanks for everything and for always being there:*

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