Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Life Ain't Good

Some of us used to own one or still own one today.

A diary, journal, whatever you call it. Its your companion when you can't share with those closest to you.

I should look for mine. Last time I wrote in it was when I was in university. When things happened every second and then I got tired and couldn't write anymore. It felt pointless.

Do you remember what I said in my last post?

I was about to leave for my "honeymoon" and told, with a hint of joking in my writing, that I felt an evil eye would come in the way of my happiness.

It did. In a bad bad way.

We always hear stories about girls going through disasters due to their lavish weddings and people die. But I never imagined it would happen to me when I least expected it. That is why I haven't wrote in a while.

My cell has been switched off for nearly 2 months now. People still don't get why or what is going on. But thats just how I work. If I'm depressed, I switch everything off. OFF!

You are used to happy thoughts and reviews. But bear with me today, as I will be pouring my heart out like I've been pouring my tears throught these weeks. I know my friends will be reading this. My friends who've been wondering whats going on with my life, how I was doing. I hope you understand why I'm acting this way. I know you will never know fully feel it, but just imagine what its like to be me right now.

It began in the night before the first day of my honeymoon.

My mother said she felt numbness in her left side of her body. Arms and legs. We took her to the hospital. As usual her blood pressure was really high. She had to spend the night there until they're done with the MRIs and blood tests. Result? She had a tumor in her head. A benign one thank God.

Next day she has been transfered to another hospital. She was okay, laughing and joking like she always does. Doctor said, she should have it removed, although its been there for 15 years! Nobody ever noticed anything different about her. But he did say, and you should remember this, that it was a very very very easy operation. Done 3-4 times a day and people could leave the hospital in a week. That was too reassuring for mother. Plus my grandmother had an even worse benign tumor decades ago, and a time when these things were new in the country, and is up and kicking right now mashallah allah ykhaleha lina.

Mother thought, so why do it abroad, when it was easy and safe, in addition to do it where she can have friends and family around her ( she loved that). My sister and I never thought about the results of those words until now. We didn't research it. Why should we? When the dr supposedly was really known and he DID SAY it was a piece of cake. Should he called for us to talk about the side effects we would've taken her to a hospital abroad and left this damn country.

I had to postpone my honeymoon.

The day of her operation was the day of my "travel". She didn't get in. Her blood pressure was too high. Needed a reschedule. It was expected. This always happens with mother. Two years ago when she had an eye eopration and a couple of years before that when she had an even harded operation. So we knew, that even the second try would fail. And so my mother told me she would postpone the operation, she had to because she had to rest for a while taking in pills to lower her blood pressure. It seemed she was fretting the operation. She told me to go on with my honeymoon plans because she felt guilty for us loosing all of our 6 hotels and 12 planes. Who cares?! But se begged us and said she would do the operation two days after we got back. I talked to the doctor and asked if that was okay and he said it was better for her as there was no need to hurry, its been there for 15 years, two weeks wont make a difference. We cut our trip to 2 weeks and cancelled some of the hotels. Meanwhile, she returned home and got back to her normal life. Her last 2 weeks of normalcy.

I left for Maldives and Thailand. All the way feeling down and worried. The places were too gorgeous. I don't think better places could've looked better. We were in paradise, the hotels chosen and the times were the best, I have been choosing the places months ago and I also got the pictures I promised for my reviews. Now is not the time though. My heart would never be with it. Yet, we couldn't enjoy it fully. I was suddenly really worried and couldn't wait to get back. My husband even got really sick last couple of days further ruining our "blissful" stay. I felt something was wrong.

Sadly, and I couldn't say how much this things saddens me I never got to see my mother normal ever. Before I got back, I bought her a Chanel bag. Actually my husband did. I called her and she was so happy about it. She has a dozen Chanels, vintage and up to date. The point was I got her something. And believe me, it was the first time I get to buy her something and forget to do so with my friends and family, even my in laws who have been great with me, helping with the apartment and standing by me strongly throughout all this. My sister later told me, my mother was so happy she kept gushing to everyone tha i got her a bag and she couldn't wait until she used it, so typical of my mother. Like I got her a house. She was that happy. I'm glad I made her happy before the disaster.

I got back, next day was her operation. I was so tired I couldn't see her. Slept until next day. Day of the operation. Went to the hospital and never made it in time. She was already in. I'm still broken hearted about it. Last thing she told me is not to come to the hospital and to rest after my flight and that she will see me day of the operation. She didn't and never had to this day.

to be continued...